So this Thursday I will join many around the world by wearing yellow to raise awareness of the need to attend to our mental health.
With approximately 1in 4 people in the UK experiencing mental health problems each year*, and 1 in 6 people in England experiencing a common mental health problem (such as anxiety or depression) in any given week**, it is essential that we start paying more attention to ourselves. We need to start thinking about mental health in a similar way to the way in which we think about our physical health. We need to recognise that we are all likely to experience mental health difficulties at some point in our lives, and some of these difficulties will be more significant than others, some may simply pass with time, others may need a more targeted approach, in the same way that physical ailments need different approaches. We need to listen to each other, and we need to talk about it.
In a world of digital communication and social media we are communicating more than ever…but connecting with each other less and less. And these changes are happening fast.
When I was a teenager I would regularly spend 59 minutes on the phone at a time chatting with friends I had literally just spent the whole day with at school (59 minutes because the call would be ‘charged’ if it got to 60 minutes!). We talked, laughed, gossiped and generally listened to each other night after night - as long as it was between 6 and 9pm (ringing after nine was rude - yes?). In the space of one generation that has changed - I have two teenagers living in my house and their phones rarely ring. Instead they communicate with their peers through social media and text. An actual conversation is the exception, not the rule.
The same goes for me…I find myself falling into the same patterns…using social media to check up and in with people rather than taking the time to really connect, to listen and to be there, in real time and with real, communicated interest.
So, in addition to the yellow top, I pledge to take the time to listen, talk and connect with people on Thursday (and beyond!). By ‘people’, I mean my family, friends, colleagues and, well, you…yes you, the lady in Sainsbury’s who needed an extra carrier bag, the guy who was sat next to me in the doctors waiting room…you, anyone I chat to, I pledge to listen.
So what difference does listening make?
Listening is good for us. Listening, and indeed talking require interaction, and if you are listening well, it is likely to be a positive experience - our brains are programmed to reward positive interactions, we are after all stronger as a group than an individual. So when we interact with others our bodies are rewarded with chemicals - serotonin, endorphins, dopamine or oxytocin - which in turn make us feel happier. Over time, it is these four chemicals that have ensured that we are relationally-motivated creatures, which in turn might also be why this change in the way we communicate is having such an influence on our wellbeing.
What makes a good listener?
Listening can be completed at different levels of efficiency. We can all recall the times when we have not picked up on details, perhaps our minds have been elsewhere, or worse still we think we can ‘multi-task’ and do something else whilst listening, as long as we make all the right noises, that’s ok isn’t it?!?
Well, frankly, no!
Listening requires concentration. It requires connection. It requires time and effort. Sometimes listening requires an answer, a question, a thought…and sometimes it simply requires an acknowledgement.
As a Mum, and as a wife I try to listen hard, I try to hear the underlying messages my family communicate to me, as well as the obvious ones of course! But I am sometimes guilty of possibly one of the worst sins a listener can commit. At times, I can have a tendency toward silver lining. As a listener, this can be disastrous, it can be the difference between connection and disconnection.
So why do I (and many others, come on, you know you are guilty too sometimes) commit these sins?
Well, it’s hard to hear that others around us are suffering or struggling, and offering a silver lining can make us feel a bit better about it (it’s unlikely to make a difference to them…but it makes it easier for us, the listeners). In short, I want my family to be ok, to feel good, so sometimes I fall into the trap of offering the silver lining rather than accepting how they feel in that moment. When I commit these sins though, I risk actually not connecting, I risk breaking the lines of communication because they just need to be heard, acknowledged and accepted in order for them to process, learn, cope and move on.
A good listener doesn't always speak
The reciprocity of an interaction does not always require a great deal of speaking. A good listener may just simply acknowledge how a person is feeling, that they are going through a lot, or perhaps enquire as to how they can help… A good listener engages and connects and a good listener accepts. And there was you thinking that listening was something you do all the time, and that it’s easy!
The good news is, that when you do it well, it is good for you - both of you benefit from those feel good chemicals - so on this World Mental Health Day - go out and listen, talk and connect. I will, will you?
Hypnotherapy can help with feelings of overwhelm, anxiety and depression. If you are interested in finding out more about what hypnotherapy could help you achieve then give me a call for a free consultation.
*McManus, S., Meltzer, H., Brugha, T. S., Bebbington, P. E., & Jenkins, R. (2009). Adult psychiatric morbidity in England, 2007: results of a household survey. The NHS Information Centre for health and social care.
**McManus S, Bebbington P, Jenkins R, Brugha T. (eds.) (2016). Mental health and wellbeing in England: Adult psychiatric morbidity survey 2014. Leeds: NHS digital.
